Here we are, the final part of this trilogy piece. Congrats to both of us for making it!
As I mentioned in part two, when I returned from my travels I had another faith testing spiral. I shared that my eight year old self had taken the drivers seat and was doing donuts all over my feelings. It was a joy ride, minus the joy.
What I didn’t include, was that I was spinning my wheels because I was freaking out about money. Although I had saved enough to take care of myself for a few more months, I was tapping into my life savings. A finite number that would run out if I didn’t put a plan into motion. And so I went into hustle mode.
I updated my resume, and started to send it out frantically. And what I got was an overwhelming amount of rejection emails. Which fed my internal panic.
I remember when I got my offer letter from Twitter, a former colleague of mine who came from the world of tech, looked me dead in my eyes and said to me “prepare to never have to apply for a job in your life again”. Those are serious words to tell a woman who has burned the candle at both ends her entire career. And let me tell ya’ll, that was not the case. I think that in 2019 and prior, once you had tech on your resume you were given the VIP white glove experience. It was like you had gone to ivy league. Actually, I distinctly remember being told at the Twitter orientation in SF, that getting hired at Twitter was harder than getting into the top ivy schools.
But in a world post 2020, and specifically in the job market of 2023, where “the final total of layoffs ended up being 262,735”, and where “tech layoffs conducted in 2023 were 59% higher than 2022’s total”, nobody was knocking down my door. I had a few recruiters trickle in, but overall the experience was not what I expected.
Expected. Let’s talk about that word, because it often gets our feelings hurt, and that was one of the main ingredients in the humble pie I felt I was eating daily. I even applied for a role at instagram (that multiple friends sent to me), which was the EXACT same job I had at Twitter (almost word for word), and did not even get a call for a screening (despite two of my peers who work there pushing for my resume to be looked at). I felt like I was in the twilight zone.
What was also bewildering was that when I had reached out to a few folks for insight into the culture of the companies I was applying to, people I had previously collaborated with, I got the stiff arm. They gave responses that were short or straight up rude. I felt like I was wearing a scarlet letter, except it wasn’t for adultery it was for skipping out of working a corporate job for a few months. My internal critic was lit up, and she was in a scuffle with my confidence. Part of me felt disrespected, after all I was asking them for insight into their experience (these were women of color), not a job referral. I’ve always given my time to people when they reach out to me asking for insight or advice. Sometimes I tell folks to send me three specific questions, if I don’t have the full time to give to them. At The Wing alone, I brought in over 100 candidates. And can confidently say at least 20% of those I helped redo their resume. Shit, I volunteered with LA Works this morning (March 29th) to help 18-24 year olds with their resumes and to tackle career challenges they are coming up against.
So it hurt my feelings like a mothafucka when I was getting dismissed by women I thought I had a peer relationship with. Women who also follow me on social media and watch my every story (but that’s for another substack). As my friend Deb says, that’s nasty business.
Listen, I know that I am not the only one dealing with the bloodbath that has been the job market these last six months. And I KNOW that no one owes me anything, despite the above potentially sounding entitled. I have self-awareness. I also know that I do not offer people help and guidance because I think they will give me something in return. I do it because I like it. It is a driver of mine to see others around me win, and to help them feel confident about themselves.
All of this was making me dizzy with anxiety though. And the internal back and forth made me take a look at my ego. I wondered if maybe it was me? Perhaps I was a little too high on my pony and had to be knocked down a few notches.
I talked to my friend Raven about it (she’s a therapist) and she told me that no, that actually I had ‘right sized ego’. And that the fact that I was questioning the role I was playing in the current emotional state I was in, showed that.
Right sized ego requires humility. “Humility is simply having a realistic sense of oneself. A humble person accurately acknowledges both their strengths and limitations. These people have the capacity to be honest and without pretense in relation to themselves. They are “right-sized” and without false pride, arrogance, or importantly, low self-esteem” (link here).
This led me down a rabbit hole on ego and what having a healthy one looks like. Here’s what I found via psychcentral:
Though the term ‘ego’ is commonly used to describe one who boasts, is arrogant, treats others with scorn, lacks empathy, and the like, the concept of ego is neutral in itself. The word ‘ego’ is a Greek word for ‘I,’ meaning the core sense of self, a distinct and unique expression of personhood, albeit one that paradoxically exists in connection or in relation to life and others.
“ego-strength’ refers to a cultivated resiliency or strength of our core sense of self, the extent to which we learn to face and grow from challenging events or persons in our lives in ways that strengthen our relationships with our self and others and enrich our lives with meaning.
A person with little or weak ego-strength lacks resiliency, sticks mostly to what feels comfortable to them, and avoids what does not. They tend to hold unrealistic expectations, which are held rigidly in place by emotionally charged core beliefs that activate the body’s stress response, as they are rooted in fear and anxiety.
In contrast, a person with well-developed ego-strength is resilient, optimistic, and has a strong sense of self as capable in handling challenges. A healthy ego-strength is connected to a healthy self-concept, one that is resilient, thus can look at a situation and see beyond it, understand the difference between wants and needs, and practices acceptance to discern between what can and cannot be changed, to respond accordingly. They more often:
Take a learning approach to life that increasingly grows their strength and confidence in handling triggering situations.
Have an ability to tolerate discomfort, enough to regulate their emotions as opposed to feeling overwhelmed by them.
Approach life overall with a curiosity and readiness to explore and to master what strengthens them, thus, increasing their chances of finding new ways of coping with challenges.
Doing this exercise, of taking a step back and checking myself , helped me audit the interactions I was having and the rejection emails I was getting. I recognized how my fear of running out of money (and in turn my sense of safety) was exacerbating the entire experience. And let me tell you, that was a game changer.
I was able to see that while yes I was getting weird responses from a handful of people (and taking it way too personally), I had had way more positive interactions with former colleagues who wanted to help. In terms of rejection emails, it made me reckon with the fact that I was applying to just about anything out of desperation. And that I actually did NOT have any reason to feel desperate. I had a safe place to live, food to eat, a car to get around, and regardless of what was happening — 17 years of experience with hard and soft skillsets that any company would be lucky to have.
It forced me to get crystal clear on what truly mattered to me in this next phase of my career and life. Did I care about the companies name? Or the shiny title? Was it the money? Or the remote job flexibility. What were the filters here? Just like the process I had undergone with the type of man I want to attract into my life, the same had to be done with the career choices I was making. Because nothing good comes from desperation. Read that twice.
Desperation is low frequency energy. And we do not operate from a low frequency.
As for the jobs that I was interviewing for that weren’t working out, I tapped into my tarot for further insight. And let’s just say my guides were like “nah, the energy is musty and greedy over there”, and that was all I needed to keep it pushing. Protecting my peace is very valuable to me now. This entire season has been polishing the sht out of my intentionality when it comes to my career and collaborations. And has graduated my intuition from a level 10 to a level 15. And if I was not being blunt here, it is neither easy nor comfortable to undergo such a transformation.
But boy is it enriching.
I felt this spiritual leveling up after the second interview I had with a company that on paper sounded perfect for me and the community work I love doing. I was very sincere with all my answers. A question in particular about remote work felt like a trap. But I responded honestly. Despite leaving that interview knowing that it was not the right fit for me (there was language used that made my internal alarms go off), I worried that my frankness would cost me paid opportunities. Could I really afford to be picky with the job market looking like the Sahara desert?
As I headed home, I was sitting in my car behind a bus waiting for the light to turn, thinking to myself: I have to trust that I’ll be rewarded for staying true to what’s important to me. It was a prayer to my guides. In that moment, I looked up at the bus, and saw the license plate said 222. A sign. Synchronicity. I found that so comforting, and immediately felt it was a response to my whispered prayer. A calming yes.
Parallel to tussling with my scarcity mindset, I started to focus on other callings. I did a coaching program and got certified to coach people through life pivots. And I started to work on the launch of Blanco Studios (the next iteration of theGIRLMOB). These two things gave me purpose. And quickly, my attention shifted back to a place of abundance and hope, leaving behind the murky waters of self-doubt and making way for a future that is aligned with who I am and want to be.
Around this time, I watched ‘Poor Things’ led by Emma Stone, a film that has since won best picture and best actress. There was a scene between Emma’s character Bella Baxter and Duncan Wedderburn, played by the incredible Mark Ruffalo, that felt like another message from my guides. In this scene they find themselves with no money and no home in the dead of winter. As Duncan sits on a bench while the snow falls, livid about their current circumstance, Bella says the following:
“It is only the way it is until we discover the new way it is”. A declaration if I have ever heard one. Starting something new, experimenting as Bella mentioned, pivoting, moving, quitting etc. can be so so scary. And triggering. But it is also rewarding to discover a new way, a more bountiful way, a way that lands you in a more magical place if you’re willing to deal with the discomfort of your faith being tested.
Because here’s the point of this story: everything I want, wants me more. I just have to continue to be clear about what it is I want. I know that what’s next is bigger and more meaningful. And yes, money is needed to pay bills and to live love laugh, but , there’s plenty of cash in this world. And I don’t need to dismiss my intuition or my hearts calling to get it. I hope you don’t either.
So what’s next?! Continuing to do creative projects that fulfill me under the Blanco Studios umbrella (including more on this substack!). Getting back to leading community events, I just held a workshop on manifesting in 2024 through goal setting and habits. Building my tarot practice with clients (more on that here) + taking a course on astrology (while I know more than the average person about astrology + transits, I want to formalize it). Coaching people 1:1 who want to level up in their personal lives (and offering tarot + astrology for extra insight). And, remember those 17 years of experience I mentioned? I’m working with brands, both small and big, as well as non-profits on their marketing strategy, editorial voice, programming and social presence. And only applying to roles that are remote (a clarity filter), because continuing to travel and experience the world is important to me.
In other words, a swiss-army knife from Queens, NY. A very bad-ass one.
OTHER THINGS
If you want practical steps on how to plan for a sabbatical, listen to my interview with Lauren Alvarez here (apple) (spotify)
The millennial mid-life crises is being explained on tiktok. Do you agree?
Two things to watch that I recommend:
Plus One on Hulu (honest and fun rom-com)
The Gentlemen on Netflix (Theo James is the plot)
Until next month,
Your play cousin
Yari B.
It’s so crazy how many life pivots our generation has had to go through. From the recession when we graduated college to now the great deception of tech. I think your ability to adapt and evolve speaks volumes. Proud of you!