On May 26th I was watching tiktoks (like the rest of you) and came across a video from the account Recess Therapy that made me sit still for a while. I love this account. It’s hosted by this young guy named Julian Shapiro-Barnum. He will ask kids under the age of 10 life questions and they respond with such profoundness and honesty that you can’t help but take it in, (there’s also silly answers which are equally lovely to see). Seeing answers like these is a reminder that when we’re kids we’re fully aware. And we feel free to express whatever we’re thinking or feeling in a way that is natural to who we are as little people.
And then we lose that.
We become aware of ourselves in a different way. We fall into insecurities bestowed upon us by the people around us (sometimes strangers, others family). We feel scared about who we are in the world, and what we’re doing (is it good enough?). We get lost in the list that social institutions have deemed acceptable (college, career, marriage, a mortgage, kids, a car, rinse repeat). And we teach ourselves that it’s not appropriate to lash out when we’re tired of it all.
Okay, that last one is fully mine. I don’t know you. Maybe it’s yours too.
So I’m watching this video and this was the interaction:
Host: Is happiness important?
Kid: No
Host: Wow! Why not?
Kid: It’s cause all feelings are important
Here’s this little 5 year old (I’m taking a guess), dropping bars. EXCUSE ME? I fell on my ass *figuratively*, and could not get those four sentences out of my head.
21 days prior to watching this prophetic short film, I had a therapy session. It was the day after my 37th birthday, and I was telling my therapist how I had been having these unprovoked flashbacks to moments in my life during the last seven years that were making me feel angry, and how it felt like unknown territory for me. That in my body I’d get these surges of heat, and a desire to kick or punch or scream.
I wondered, what was happening? And in response she offered, “Many people have caused you harm. And you’ve never allowed yourself to say you’re angry out loud… that’s what’s happening”. I of course immediately started to cry. I’m talking ugly Kim Kardashian cry. I felt like a large water balloon had been thrown at my face and it finally burst open. It was a revelation.
I told her that I’ve always thought of anger as a feeling that indicated someone had ‘lost the plot’ to the situation at hand. How I prided myself in never raising my voice, and have always been as diplomatic as possible in conflict resolution. And so here we were, in yet another moment of discovery that pointed towards me not wanting to feel out of control. Because losing control has been a no no for me.
You have to understand that the people whose anger I’ve experienced: my mother’s oldest sister (I remember as a kid seeing her hit my mom — my mom was probably the age I am now), my mothers two scorpio boyfriends (they had the same birthday and were back to back for seven years of my life. One was a drunk and threw tantrums like a toddler. The other was verbally abusive. I don’t wish that on anybody), deeply impacted my idea of how and when I get to show anger. And for me, it was unacceptable in any occasion at any time.
And in this therapy session, a window opened. It seemed that I was the one who had lost the plot around my own emotional wellness. And that now it’s as good a time as any to give anger the room it deserves to be processed and expressed in my life. I can learn to express anger in a healthy way, where I don’t harm others or myself. That might be in a kickboxing class, or screaming in a meadow… or simply saying out loud “I’m angry with you” the next time someone in my life causes me to feel this way. Because you see my kind reader, all feelings are important. And this idea that joy is the only feeling that matters is both a lie and exhausting to exist within.
Now I’m in Europe (currently writing from my room in Madrid), and I’m applying my motto of leading with curiosity to all my feelings. No longer making the curiosity club only available to feelings that are “acceptable”, because ultimately if I am going to fully accept myself I have to accept the shadow of me as much as I do the light.
Ten toes down for me, myself and I.
OTHER THINGS
One of you requested I post where I stayed in Portugal! So here it is:
Lisbon: The bus from the airport was a few blocks away. My bestie Yani and I stayed here and absolutely loved it. Chic, comfortable (watch out for the ceiling in the bedroom though, I caught a few wop wops in the head).
Oporto: Obsessed with this communal home. Clean, stylish, comfy. In a part of the city that’s quiet. About 15-20 mins from the center of things.
Algarve: Good enough for what we were in need of. I will say the south of Portugal is dreamy. I had the best risotto of my life there (thus far).
A.I. as children/siblings: Another tiktok that made me go, oh yea that’s going to be a thing. What are your thoughts on that?
Corinna y El Rey: This is a very spicy short podcast series about the King of Spain, which is cray cray and helpful as I learn the Spanish culture of the last 50 years. Shout out to Nuria and her creative partner who co-produced this gem. It’s also in English, because monarchy drama should be accessible to all.
I painted my nails red for the first time and an instagram follower told me about red nail theory. I’m going to keep painting my nails red and report back (half-way kidding).
“Believe it or not, there's actual science to back this up. According to research, the color red enhances males' attraction to females in non-human primates (so, monkeys and apes), and a 2008 study demonstrated "a parallel effect in humans." The report reads, "Red, relative to other achromatic and chromatic colors, leads men to view women as more attractive and more sexually desirable." Go figure.”
On the topic of men, I have so much to write about. I’ve been experiencing interactions with male friends that have left me both disappointed and (my new favorite!) angry. One of them (who might be reading this)— asked me if I was bossy? after I was direct about my feelings, my concerns and my needs in a romantic relationship with him (he was inquiring about “us” and was DEEPLY underprepared for such a discussion). So he went the condescending route (I’m sure he’d say that was not the intention) and asked: Are you bossy? No. But I take my future with a man very seriously. Because IT IS that serious. Now please step aside, this right here is not for just anybody.
As Nicki Minaj said, “Had I accepted the pickle juice… I would be drinking pickle juice right now”. Anyway, if you’re also dealing with male friends who have lost their god-damn fkin minds, you’re not alone. Sending you a hug from España.
Until next time, be true, be you, and when needed scream it out.